So a captains work is never done, so between getting ready for 1 crew member to live his best college life and the other starting Junior year, I decided to take on another challenge.
Last week, this captain had the unique opportunity to have a liver biopsy. I can report back, that was even less fun than previously anticipated.
So if you re considering this as an activity in the future please read my review:
This adventure begins with the same pomp and circumstance as your traditional hospital visit. You get to relive your days of lore by regaling the staff with fun facts like your name and date of birth. Since this is a part of each and every tour offered on this journey I’ll skip the recap, but rest assured I do know my birthday.
This tour provides several opportunities for enlightenment along with all the thrills of getting a root canal without novocaine! The first opportunity comes when you are wheeled into the procedure room (after your thrilling gurney ride on the general population mini elevator…complete with the game of how many people can we fit!?) Then they get the instruments prepped. You will be joined by an excellent cast of characters, for example a nurse, an ultrasound tech, a doctor and finally a super fun resident! The first opportunity arises quickly so be ready! They can and will show you the needle…so I advise make a choice before entering, (Pro Tip # 1 the only answer is “no thank you”) Failure to respond in a timely manner (2.5 seconds)will result in an assumed affirmative, and now you have seen the the needle (I am pretty sure Seattle is missing a landmark right now)
Just when you think to yourself “How could this be even more fun?” You realize the added perk of this being a “comfortable but awake procedure”! (I think someone needs to provide a dictionary to these folks, their definition of comfortable and mine are quite different) The perk? Well, hold on to your hat, because you get to be an observer to the “time out”. Let me take this opportunity to enlighten you on what a time out is. During a “time out” they will discuss the procedure in GREAT detail to confirm they are all on the same page. (Pro Tip #2 you do not get to decide what page they are on…I would have picked a whole different book) So buckle up here…all the things you never wanted to know about this procedure you now do….BUT the fun does not end there! Allow me to tell the BEST part. The actual time out is a conversation:
This convo happens in a huddle, right next to you, but you have apparently become invisible (and no I did not wear my camo, I opted for the highly stylish tour provided blue flower granny gown)
Surgeon: (to the resident) what will be your approach
Resident: I think right under the ribs, I can visualize it and less painful
Surgeon: Well, I agree with the less painful but it is less vascular BETWEEN the ribs
Resident: Well, yes, but…
Surgeon: (to the nurse) give her a second dose of Versed (yes, this will at least make you loopy) Let’s go.
Surgeon: (to me) are you comfortable?
Me : Most definitely not…
Surgeon: Let’s begin
Immediately following my up close and personal visit with the Seattle space needle, they roll you back to recovery. Where you will spend the reminder of your 2 hours on your right side. When you remind the staff that this was an “awake and comfortable” type procedure, and you are definitely 1 out of 2, they will quickly offer you relief. In the form of TYLENOL. (Pro tip #3 Tylenol will not clear out the pain of being shanked in your side like you were in the prison yard)
So in summary, this tour is not one I can recommend. While the staff are amazing (seriously I make fun of them they were all amazing) the facility is up and coming (due to renovations of the 1932 building, I will reserve judgement) the actual tour will not be one that you will want to revisit. (If you do I’d highly encourage you to take tour number 2, which includes a straightjacket, group meetings and maybe if you are good a sing along in the common room)
Now for the lemons….The biopsy did show the cancer is back. So to continue my comeback tour I will get to undergo 6 cycles (24 weeks) of chemo followed by surgery. I guess the good news is chuck will not be making a comeback! However the cold caps and “Richard” (my stupid port) will. I will keep you posted as I have more info, for now the plan is to start on 8/19.
As always send prayers (lots and lots of them) some lemonade, whiskey and triple sec…which when combined makes a lynchburg lemonade…because when life hands you lemons you add alcohol.
The Captain's Log 