The Captain's Log

Right now it feels like this captains world is moving at warp speed. This crew has had some adventures! The past week has given us a fundraiser golf tournament, a JUNIOR in high school (who no longer needs me to drive her!) and and FRESHMAN in college (MIZ..)

In addition to this fun, we brought back a familiar face’s relative. You might remember my port Richard from previous logs, he left in May and now I have what has to be his twin, who I will now call Ralph. Ralph and I do not get along, and I chose his name because he makes me want to Ralph. But, as a much more uplifting member of my crew reminded me, Ralph is helping me kick cancers a$$ once again, so maybe think of him as “Wreck it Ralph” (If you aren’t a Disney fan are we friends??) So, if you prefer that explanation there it is, me I’ll just keep saying Ralph with as much disgust as I can manage.

In true captain’s style, port placement was not the adventure I imagined. You know when they say port I think sun, fun and cruise ships. This was defiantly not that. To begin with this time they wanted to try “awake and comfortable” again, we all know that is not as advertised. So after some shrewd negotiations I was able to secure better sedation (more on that in a minute). The procedure went well and when I awoke I swear they had severed my arm…so as part of the package they swiftly offered me “relief” in the form of TYLENOL. (I really think this hospital gets a kick back for Tylenol.) I was reminded it was “extra strength” so yeah, I drug my arm home behind me once again.

I have learned that this hospital is second to none on patient notes. Have you ever read the notes they keep in your chart? Well, I firmly believe they have a court style recorder hidden in the closet. When I went in to check my appointment time, I discovered the gem that is labeled “after visit notes”! Turns out when I was discussing my port (ralph) in my mind, I was “politely asking” for sedation, the words that fell out of my mouth where more along the line of “Hell no, knock me out” (per my chart) So pro tip? Learn to mutter more under your breath or find that court recorder they hide in the closet. My poor permanent record…..

Also part of this journey is many new products that I get to “try”. Today’s new product? Aluminum Free Odorant…(Yes I know I left the “DE” off) There are several! Allow me to offer a quick review on what I have tried:

Secret – smells like poo and roses, so when you sweat there is a hint of roses among the sweat.. oh a ltlke baby powder just to “freshen it up… not

Salt Air- the roll on you never knew you wanted and still don’t. Lots of “salty” and you do not want that air

Native – For the days you want to smell like you are a “native” to the trash dump

Arm and Hammer essentials – smells exactly like an arm and hammer should, if it worked in 110 degree heat for 12 plus hours

Lume- Jury still out on this one, because there are so many scents, apparently you have to “find yours” …yeah well I just want one that does not smell like sweat socks and Fritos

So if you’d prefer future hugs to be with my arms at my sides or even from a distance (not air hugs because I’d raise my arms to do that) I will completely understand.

As always, send lots and lots of prayers and

1.5 oz Spiced Rum (for warmth and depth), 0.75 oz Ginger Liqueur (for a spicy kick), 0.5 oz Fresh Lemon Juice (to balance the sweetness), 2 Dashes Angostura Bitters (for complexity)

And Ginger Beer to top off…also known as a “Spicy Zing” which maybe my new nickname if I cannot figure out deodorant.

Stay tuned for a second captains log this week detailing today’s adventure, 1 down 17 to go… and yes it was a typical day in the life of the captain, I swear I’m on candid camera.