The Captain's Log

This week starts the second round in cycle 1 (of 6) for this captain. It seems that alls well on the Homefront. Unless you count a broken ice maker and no AC, because yes where would the challenge be if we did not have some mechanical issues here and there. (I draw your attention to previous “fun” example: last year pool water feature addition) So, yep life as normal.

Last week the crew took the show on the road at the new hospital location for day 1 round 1. The same cast of characters with the same admission ticket appears to work here too. Good thing I have cracked the code for admission and clearly have the passcode. Upon occasion this sneaky bunch throws in my middle name and gives me my birthdate to confirm…pretty sneaky sis….rest assured I have yet to be turned away at the gates as this captain seems to have the answers.

As with any expedition, this one did not lack for adventure (or entertainment?). I, along with my crew (Sherpas some might say) showed up on time and ready go. Equipped with 2 rolling coolers, knee pads, long sleeved shirts, blankets, frozen socks, frozen gloves, lemon drops, popsicles, hair nets, maxi pad (yep for the forehead) ear covers, compression socks and a partridge in a pear tree. (Ok not the last one but when I say sherpa I am talking about the Mount Everest level) The first stop (after producing my admission code) is a quick port blood draw (no that’s not a mixed drink to my dismay…seriously and they did not see the humor in that ask. Turns out they offer “counseling” for these types of things). Once admitted I was escorted back to make sure I was healthy enough to poison (yep, bloodwork has to be good to get chemo) and lucky me had the tech who had her first day …TODAY. One look at my newly installed port sent her into a whirlwind. Apparently no one mentioned a newly SURGICALLY installed medical device could appear red. SOOOOO, long story short after she literally ran from the room, got help and took pics we were off to the races. (Pro tip 1- getting the patients mind off a needle stick 101 apparently is talk about random things to distract, well your dishes in the dishwasher aren’t what I want to discuss..apparently hers have lemons on them!)

So, once lemon lady got the labs turned in we are escorted back to an infusion room… where the fun really begins. The first treatment is 3 drugs so this is the “long day” all in with cold capping it’s an 8 hour day. To add one more extra element of fun (I mean I did not ask for the backstage pass but hey some people are just lucky!) we got to meet with the educator! This lovely lady (she was actually very nice) has the admirable job of LITERALLY reading what I believe is the medication insert for each chemo drug. (Not sure who she made mad to get this job but pro tip 2- there are worse jobs than scrubbing toilets so be nice out there) Among the SUPER fun facts I learned that there is a lot of concern for my daily activities, while I will not bore you with all the details (I might have slept a little here, so I couldn’t anyway) I will just let you know that I will no longer be clipping my nails or shaving with a rusty razor. (Pro tip 3- It’s never a good idea to use a rusty razor, so if that was a question for you consider it answered)

Once the infusion is complete, this captain had the continued fun of wearing the cold cap (that is a misnomer by the way, it is actually a freeze your arse off cap…) for an additional 4.5 hours. Since the hospital had a whooping 300 patients getting infusions daily, we were asked to vacate the room. Undaunted by the task at hand the crew quickly relocated the circus to the lobby. The lobby is kind of fun area, they have drinks (no not that kind), couches and puzzles to keep you entertained! At this hour of the night (thanks for the late start lemon lady and educator) we were the only souls remaining. Through the course of the evening, the crew (while changing the caps every 25 mins) ordered food, entertained and attempted puzzles. This maybe where I wish they had cameras…as the captain I now have 3 chemo drugs, a 10lb ice cap on and several meds to “relax” me on board and I have been told that while I am pure entertainment, my puzzle skills are lacking. So after several attempts to fit the round peg in the square hole, I apparently decided to just take a nap….one a 2 person loveseat in the lobby…

So there was no surprise when at 9 pm the security guard arrives. (After what I am sure were serval calls about the homeless lady in the weird hat trying to do puzzles in the lobby) I can only imagine the thoughts that he must have had as he witnessed 2 grown men, a donut puzzle, 2 rolling coolers and a passed out lady wearing what had to be a conspiracy theory style hat…. Needless to say the crew handled it beautifully (surprisingly I was not encouraged to help explain the situation) and want the great news? We now have space to cap in for the next round! Guess homeless crazy lady in the lobby won’t make their next ad…go figure!

So as always send prayers for Ralph (yes he’s still here), the lemon lady and educator, the poor security guard and of course my crew…and maybe a few that this chemo does it’s job! Also please send 1.5 oz spiced rum, 3 oz mango juice, and a Splash of club soda…also know as The Big House cocktail…because I’m pretty certain that poor security guard was ready to lock us up…or commit me, but whatever!

Pics attached of the “pack”, the sherpa crew, the amazing freeze your arse off cap and of course the infusion pole…which yes I proceeded to dance with (because they told me that was not what it what for…always proving them wrong) There is no glamour or filters that can make this look good so whatever….I still think I could rock a hair net (if you aren’t singing adam Sandler’s lunch lady land what it wrong with you?)